…in which an old man attempts to kill you with boredom…

“Ah ah! Come, warm thy bones!” gasps the bony old man with the ridiculous beard, tugging at your arm and pulling you to the fire, which blazes despite it being really warm outside.
“I want to talk about Crumbly Head Games!” he says.
Great. A lunatic.
“But first, a drink! BARKEEP!”
You look over at the bar, and the barkeeper, a greasy man covered in sweat, tilts his lumpy face toward the blackboard. There, beneath the blood, beer and other dubious stains you make out the scrawled words of the drinks on offer.

-Order a “Barman’s Spittle” turn to 2
-Order a “Pitcher of Acid” turn to 3
-Order a “Dragon’s Drops” turn to 4

The barman looks you in the eye, pulls a tankard off the shelf, spits in it, wipes it out with a dirty rag, spits in it again then hands it to you.
Your companion orders a diet coke.

-You drink. Turn to 6

The barkeeper pours a fiendish-looking liquid into a couple of tankards and hands them over to you and the old man.
“Nice choice!” says the old man. “Drink quickly before it melts away the tankard!”
You look down at the drink and accidentally inhale.

Lose 300 brain cells.

Indeed the tankard is dissolving away and you need to drink quickly.

-Drink. Turn to 5

The barkeep looks horrified, crosses himself then runs into the cellar.
Half an hour or more passes, filled with the terrible sounds of howls, human screaming, clanking chains and puking into boxes.
Suddenly, the barkeeper reappears. He shakily places half a tankard of frothy liquid onto the counter, now sporting a bloody bandage on each hand instead of fingers.
Your companion coos over the drink. “I’ll have one of those too!” he beams.

-Drink. Turn to 6

This drink may have been a mistake. It is almost as if your beer is drinking you!

Test your Drinking stat. (Difficulty: really really hard)

-If you pass turn to 13
-If you fail turn to 14

The old man is saying something. “April was such an exciting month for Crumbly Head Games! The first version of the GameBook Authoring Tool was released. Have you tried it yet?”
You try to say something but the alcohol is already having some affect on you.

Lose 1 point of judgement
Add 350 calories to your diet
Lose 1 tooth

-Smile and nod and turn to 7

He goes on. “There will be a new version of the GameBook Authoring Tool next month.”
You wonder how he does that. Talk in capitals.
“You will be able to export to RTF format. We’ve also got a lovely little imp writing a help manual.”
Your mind is wandering and you’re not really sure what he is talking about.

-Order another drink. Turn to 9
-Talk about one of your adventures. Turn to 10

The dart misses you and you land awkwardly in somebody’s lap. It’s the biggest, meanest, ugliest and hairiest man you have ever seen in your life. It’s Chuck, the Woodcutter!

And you’ve spilled his beer!
-Apologise profusely. Turn to 16

The drink goes down very well. Something feels funny inside, so you order another drink.

Colour your liver black on your adventure sheet.

-The drink arrives. Turn to 5

You begin your exciting tale about how you did the cha-cha-cha with the werewolves in the werewolf forest, but you only get as far as the first word. The old man goes on. “Today I collected another rock. It was like the rock I got back in 1973, except this one was slightly more bronzed and rotund.”

-You continue to listen with enthusiasm. Turn to 14
-You decide to end your life by flinging yourself in front of the darts match. Turn to 11

You wait for the right moment, and then throw yourself in front of the dart thrower. You are drunk, and the dart thrower is so rubbish he doesn’t even throw in the correct direction most of the time, so this is going to be difficult.

Test your Suicide stat (Difficulty: hard)

-You pass. Turn to 12
-You fail. Turn to 8

The dart hits you, and somebody screams.

Cross 1 eye off your adventure sheet
Add 1 dart to your adventure sheet

A little later, the muscular dart thrower (Cathy) is picking you up off the floor and buying you a drink.

-You go back to your seat. Turn to 15

You get over it and suddenly feel quite nice. “Blah blah rah rah rah” goes the old man. His words have suddenly become quite pleasant.
“Blah blah rah rah rah!”
You smile and nod.

Well done! You have survived your evening at the pub!

You collapse on the table as your spirit gives up and walks away. The last thing you see is the old man still talking to you about something, completely oblivious to the fact that you are dead.

The End

With trepidation, you sit back down. What luck, the old man has fallen asleep! You smile and order another beer.

Well done! You have survived your evening at the pub!

Chuck grasps your head in both hands and begins to squeeze your skull. Stars pop out behind your eyes.

Gain the physical defect: Handprints on face

Test your Skull Toughness stat (Difficulty: Extremely strong hands)

-You Pass. Turn to 17
-You Fail. Turn to 18

Chuck’s hands begin to hurt, so he lets you go.

Gain the physical defect: Bulbous eyes
Gain the physical defect: Elongated head

-Thanking him, you slink back to your seat. Turn to 15

Your head makes a funny noise like a finger being pushed through a wet soggy bag. After a while, everything stops hurting.

The End

April Update: Survive the Pub
Tagged on: